Archive for category Game
I made some heartening discoveries today. Apparently I’m not the only Christian man who thinks that game is necessary for a healthy relationship. I never realized (mostly because I hadn’t spent more time on his site than it takes to read a single article) that Dalrock was writing about game from a Christian perspective. He has gone into my bookmarks, because, after all, it is 3:45 here, and I still have work that needs to be done. (Yes, I know, that means I shouldn’t be writing a blog post. Hush, you.) Anyway, going through his blogroll (where I was surprised to see In Mala Fide, while excluding Heartiste), I encountered a blog entitled Haley’s Halo. It is fascinating to see the contemporary Christian sexual market examined from the other side, which is exactly what HH is doing. Her blog is also in my ‘to-read’ list. I shall probably have more to say when I’ve actually finished reading it.
I love my RSS reader. It reminds me to read the people who are blogging important stuff. Heartiste had a post today which was simply brilliant, dissecting the three flavors of anti-game men. I commented at some length, and had a realization, and that is why I came back here immediately to write a post. Simply put, it is that Game is still in its infancy. Viewed alone, as a method for picking up women, it is a mature art, but it is only one piece of the puzzle of reclaiming masculinity by men. If men are masculine, which is to say assertive, informed, competent, responsible and mature, game is so thoroughly integrated into their worldview that it isn’t even inner game anymore. It is them. Game becomes a sine qua non for masculinity. If they want to collect notches, they can, but if they are genuinely responsible, their goal will be to create a better life for themselves and for others. They genuinely will leave women ‘better than they found them’. How many PUAs do you know who actually do that?
That said, I still think every man should start studying game at, oh, say 14 or 15. That gives them just enough time to know the kind of frustration that can be spawned by AFC-hood, without getting them bitter. And if they are a natural, then don’t interfere. A man who has relationships that fall into a healthy masculine-feminine dynamic before his personality has fully crystallized is MUCH more likely to be a fully integrated person as an adult, capable of intelligent, informed decisions about commitment, but also able, should it be necessary, to ensure that his partner remains committed to him. Make no mistake, as the half of the species that favors logic and deductive reasoning over emotional reaction, it is Man’s responsibility to give his partner no reasons to stray. There are exceptions. I know this. There are women who would no more cheat than they would saw off their mother’s left arm because they needed fertilizer for their garden. There are women who will even do this for logical reasons. I know two personally. But if you step back from the immediate “Oh NO! A sexual generalization! He must be a male chauvinist pig!” reaction…. wait, no. If you’re having that reaction, you are part of the problem. The sexes are different. There are outliers, as in any population, but you know what statisticians do with outliers? They ignore them.
I am currently doing the right thing. (Right by a certain definition. I’m not going to get into that, but there is a whole post in that phrase alone. A different post.) Some time ago, I decided that I was going to clean up my act. I was going to stop with the dating (let’s just leave it at dating, shall we?) of random girls who I didn’t have any long-term interest in, and I was going to actually try and be someone that a decent woman would have a long term interest in. Doing the right thing sucks sometimes.
When I initially made the decision, it was actually fairly easy. I was disillusioned with women in general, I was sick of casual ‘relationships’, and I was enjoying a brand new job in a new place. The first couple of months went by in a flash; no loneliness or ennui with life. Then I started to feel it. I missed calling a girl late in the day and talking, or the feeling of her (whoever she might be) hand in mine. There are those (see; who I was a year ago, for example) who would say just nut up and go meet girls. Yeah, okay, that is an option, but I’m not in a place where I can really start a long term relationship effectively, and I’m deliberately forgoing short term relationships. There the suckage enters in. You see, somehow I have absorbed this idea that I’m never supposed to admit that I’m lonely. It probably comes from some early childhood experience or other screwing with my ideas of how the sexes relate. Five years (or so) ago I started down the path of pickup, and that obviated it. Even just the casual chats helped. So I no longer had to hide the fact that I was crashingly, desperately alone. I wasn’t. Sadly, it was a bandaid solution. Physical contact and even shallow emotional contact helps, but they only mask the symptoms.
Recently, I’ve opened up to some people I trust a lot, and they keep telling me the same thing – to wit – “Be patient. She’ll come along.” Do people just not realize how offensive that is? Sometimes (not to be melodramatic) it feels like telling someone who is in physical pain to be patient, because pain fades. When you are in physical pain, you DO something about it. If you need it, you take powerful drugs that drive the pain away. But for whatever reason, we have this cultural rule that the only solution for emotional pain is patience. There has to be some line between passive waiting and man-whore, but there really doesn’t seem to be one that is logically consistent.
Here we get to the meat; the propositional logic.
A) Loneliness sucks.
B) There are methods that can quite effectively ensure relationships of a sort.
C) Genuine partnership requires vulnerability and openness, something contraindicated by B.
D) The only long term solution to loneliness is genuine partnership.
It can be readily demonstrated from these four propositions that the extrema of passivity and activity are mutually exclusive in the relational sphere, but that leaves one with a problem. Humans are creatures both of absolute extremes and very subtle nuance. I never really got practiced enough at game (I really only ever played when I was feeling particularly lonely; it is too high maintenance to play it the way someone like Roosh or Heartiste does) to get the nuance of playing different types of girls; I usually just went after the drunken college chicks. Maybe more practice (prohibited by the whole ‘right thing’ thing) would help with that, but obviously that isn’t really an option.
Twice before I have attempted to start a blog. Twice I have failed. Maybe three times is the charm. To start with, I give you a few (mostly) disconnected thoughts. I make no apologies for the eclectic nature of what I have to talk about; I am an eclectic person.
I read a lot of PUA blogs. Well, okay, mostly Heartiste (formerly Roissy; a name I rather think I prefer) and Rational Male, but I skim a lot of others. One theme that keeps coming up is the concept of Oneitis. I agree with them that it is bad, but only because of its manifestation. I think most PUAs would agree with me that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing to be in exclusive relationships, but that the attitudes that go with pursuing exclusive relationships are the dangerous part. When a man decides to pursue a woman to the exclusion of all others, he almost always immediately starts giving off a desperate vibe. That is bad. One very dear friend of mine, shortly after meeting the woman who would later become his wife, told me that the secret to meeting a great woman is giving up on meeting women. He’s probably right, because the point of inner game (or even outer game, although outer game is more concerned with how you seem) is to stop caring whether or not any specific woman finds you attractive. Ergo, you become attractive. Of course, the converse is that you cannot come off as desperate, which is the flip side of the same coin.
Continuing along the same lines (don’t worry, I have no intention of turning this into a game blog. It is just what is on my mind right now), about ten years ago I was sitting with a group of women and a couple of guys when one of the guys started pontificating (even truth can be pompous, and his was) about how women don’t know what they want. I certainly believe that his choice of venue was… erroneous, but he was speaking truly. At the time, I was obsessed with one of the girls in the room and when she and her friends jumped to object, I jumped with them. However, I never considered the implications of what he said, versus what I believed and accepted. I believed that women would genuinely tell men what they wanted out of a relationship (and to be fair, some do, but almost never up front), and that being the guy your mother wanted your sister to marry was the secret to finding a relationship. However, there was one huge flaw in my thinking, that didn’t occur to me until much later. If there are two competing models presented – say, model A and model B – of a person’s behavior, and model A calls for that person to act in a certain way, while denying that they act that way, whereas model B calls for a person to act a way that they don’t actually act, but claim that they do, it should not be a hard choice for a thinking person to choose between the models. This is as much to say, who do you trust when it comes to predicting the behavior of women in response to your actions – the woman who tells you precisely what to do, then LJBFs you when you act that way, or the man who seems to have his pick of women?
And now for something completely different…
Although I have studied a certain amount of game, and had some success with it (enough that I feel like I can actually say something useful about it), I’ve found Plate Spinning, or even serial monogamy, to be singularly unfulfilling. I want marriage. I want children. I want a family. I am, of course, aware of the risks concomitant upon the first, especially in light of the second, but surely there are women out there (where, I don’t know) who are trustworthy. It is, naturally, only appropriate for a Christian to engage in certain behaviors (not limited to intercourse, I think) within the bounds of marriage, and it is possible that being willing to have sex with a series of different women would make serial monogamy more fulfilling, but I somehow doubt it.